I Think I’m Full of Worms (No, Literally)
Yes, this is my life now.
I just… can’t anymore.
I’ve been ping-ponging between doctors' offices like a damn medical pinball, explaining over and over that I feel like absolute hot garbage. And what do I get in return? A blank stare. A prescription. A “well, you’re just getting older.”
Excuse me?! I’m 40. Not 104. I still have all my teeth, I’m not knitting in a rocker, and I shouldn’t be this exhausted unless I’m training for a triathlon (spoiler: I’m not).
I’ve got vertigo so bad I could enter a spinning contest and win by simply existing. Fatigue? We’re not talking “I need a nap.” We’re talking “dragging my lifeless body through the day and collapsing by 6PM like a Victorian ghost.” Motivation? Gone. Anxiety and depression? Fully unhinged. Journaling, my tried-and-true emotional barf bucket, doesn’t even move the needle anymore.
My therapist? Lovely. But it’s starting to feel like Groundhog Day in her office: “Try this. Try that.” Lady, I’m trying everything short of an exorcism.
Let’s review:
✅ I eat actual food from the earth (like, dirt-under-the-fingernails real)
✅ I drink water that’s filtered tighter than a Stepford wife’s schedule
✅ I sauna like I live in Scandinavia
✅ I red light. I dry brush. I slap castor oil on my liver like I’m buttering toast
AND STILL. I FEEL LIKE ROADKILL.
So, naturally, in a haze of despair and unmedicated rage, I spiraled straight into the wild world of parasite cleansing.
At first, I rolled my eyes so hard I almost threw my back out. Parasites? In me? I live in Northern Wisconsin, not a jungle hut. This is America, baby.
But plot twist: WE ARE NOT IMMUNE.
The more I read, the more I realized I might just be the unwilling Airbnb host to an entire colony of microscopic freeloaders. Sounds nuts? Maybe. Do I care? Not even a little. Because I’m 40 going on 90, and if clearing out worms is what it takes to feel alive again, hand me the damn tincture.
If you’re already judging—go ahead and click that little “X” at the top of your screen. This ain’t for you, Karen.
But….If you like your content straight-up, with no filler or fluff, smash that subscribe button. Let’s get to the good stuff already—no detours, no sob stories - ok the occasional sob story, but never in a recipe, just straight fire.
Let’s Talk Testing (AKA: Don’t Bother)
So here’s the thing: testing for parasites is about as reliable as a wet paper towel umbrella. One day you’re clean, the next you’ve got an army of creepy crawlies. These things are Olympic-level hiders—muscles, joints, organs, even your BRAIN (yes, I said it).
There’s a fun little trick where you tape your butthole at night to catch pinworms. Sounds like a party, right? But newsflash: that only catches one kind. There are hundreds.
So unless you’re into expensive wild goose chases and butt tape, skip the test and head straight for the cleanse.
Do You Have Parasites?
Let’s play symptom BINGO.
Brace yourself. Grab a pen… or a mocktail… or maybe a bucket of hope.
Sugar or salt cravings (especially when the sun goes down)
Itchy butt (yeah, we’re going there)
Brain fog, drooling in your sleep, teeth grinding
Digestive issues—bloating, gas, poops that either ghost you or won't leave
Eczema, rashes, dry skin, acne
Depression, anxiety, mood swings that make you question your entire existence
Headaches for no reason
Random weight gain/loss
Histamine intolerance (aka allergic to life)
Dark circles, bad breath, itchy ears/nose
Chronic sinus congestion
Muscle and joint pain
IBS vibes
Greasy, floaty, foul-smelling poops (you know the kind)
Hair thinning, lymph swelling, dizziness
Basically… being alive but feeling like you’re dying
If you read this list and said “yep… yep… holy hell, yep” — congrats, you might be a worm motel like me.
But Isn’t This Just a Third World Problem?
Girl, no.
You can get parasites from:
Water (tap, bottled, river, lake, doesn’t matter)
Pets (sorry Fluffy, you traitor)
Walking barefoot (garden babes, beware)
Sushi, salmon, pork, cured meats, deli meats
Fruits and veggies that weren’t washed like they were about to meet royalty
Dust. DIRT. YOUR OWN HOME.
Kissing, touching, changing diapers, breathing near someone infected
Mosquitoes, ticks, fleas, lice, sandflies (also known as summer in Wisconsin)
So yeah. If you live on Earth, you’re at risk. Enjoy that thought over lunch.
So Honestly… What Would It Hurt to Do a Cleanse?
Spoiler alert: it won’t. At all.
Let’s just clear the air: doing a parasite cleanse won’t kill you. In fact, it’ll probably help even if you’re not worm-infested. Why? Because you’re not just “killing worms”—you’re:
Supporting your liver like the underpaid powerhouse it is
Cleaning your gut like it’s spring cleaning for your insides
Moving your lymphatic system so it stops being stagnant sludge
You’re using herbs that humans have safely used for literal centuries. You’re binding up toxins that were probably making you feel like crap anyway. You're pooping regularly (yay!).
💩 Worst case? You sleep better, have more energy, and your skin stops looking like the surface of Mars.
🐛 Best case? You actually remove the thing that’s been draining the life out of you.
Either way, it’s a win. Unless, of course, you enjoy being tired, bloated, foggy, cranky, itchy, and smelly. In that case… carry on.
The Parasite Cleanse Breakdown (aka: Murder. Mop. Move it out.)
🧪 STEP 1: KILL THE CRITTERS
Let’s get one thing straight:
You can’t evict freeloaders with positive affirmations.
You need the heavy hitters—and by that, I mean herbal murder weapons.
Look for a tincture that includes:
Black walnut hull (aka bitter, beautiful death)
Wormwood (the OG assassin)
Clove (kills eggs like a champ)
Olive leaf
Pau d’arco
Oregon grape root
Neem
These herbs have been used for CENTURIES. Your great-great-great grandma probably brewed this in a cauldron while side-eyeing your ancestors.
Start slow (we’re not trying to go full nuclear on day one).
🧴 Begin with ½ dose on an empty stomach (so those suckers can’t hide behind your oatmeal)
Then work your way up to the full dose like the empowered parasite-killing queen you are.
Take it before meals—ideally when the worms are hangry and least suspecting.
🧲 STEP 2: BINDERS – MOP THE DAMN MURDER SCENE
You killed ‘em. Yay.
Now what? You mop. Because dead parasites = released toxins = possible total body meltdown if you don’t clean it up.
Grab 1–2 binders from this list:
Activated charcoal (the goth queen of detox)
Bentonite clay (think of it as internal vacuuming)
Zeolite (tiny rock magic)
Fulvic/humic acid (gut gold)
Chlorella (bonus points: it’s also food and green AF)
🚨 IMPORTANT: Take binders away from food, meds, and herbs.
Midday or before bed is chef’s kiss.
Why? Because if you take them with your cleanse tincture, they’ll just bind THAT instead of the garbage in your gut. And we don’t want that. Be smart. Play offense.
💆♀️ STEP 3: DRAINAGE – MOVE THE TOXINS OUT
Okay, you killed. You mopped.
Now open the damn doors and get the trash OUT.
Because if you’re not pooping, sweating, or flowing—those dead parasites are just gonna hang out like decomposing zombies. Gross.
🌿 Castor Oil Packs (aka: Your Liver’s Love Language)
The liver is the MVP of detox. Treat her like a queen.
How to do it:
Soak a cloth in castor oil
Lay it over your liver (right side under your ribs, boo)
Cover with plastic or an old towel
Apply heat (heating pad or hot water bottle)
Chill for 30–60 mins, 3–4x a week
Optional: Add essential oils and your fave podcast for full spa witch vibes
Bonus: You can rub castor oil directly on your belly and do a little self-massage while cursing your worms out loud. Highly therapeutic.
🔴 Red Light Therapy (Because You're a Glowing Goddess)
Not just for wrinkles, sweet cheeks—this stuff helps move your lymph like a traffic cop on detox duty.
Focus on:
Neck (lymph highway)
Armpits (don’t forget these detox armpit divas)
Liver/belly
Groin area (yep, lymph lives there too)
🕒 5–15 mins a day or every other day
🌟 Add dry brushing or castor oil beforehand for an A+ drainage combo
💨 Other Detox Tools You’ll Love (Or Hate. But They Work):
Dry brushing – always toward the heart. Naked and slightly freezing? You're doing it right.
Rebounding – bounce like your organs are made of Jell-O.
Contrast showers – hot, cold, hot, cold. Scream optional but highly recommended.
Walking, stretching, yoga – gentle movement = drainage magic. No need to become a gym rat. Just move that lymph, honey.
⚠️ BUT WAIT—DON’T FORGET ROTATION + MAINTENANCE
Parasites are shady little buggers. If you use the same herbs forever, they adapt. Like tiny immune system hackers.
So every 4–6 weeks, switch up your herbal blend to keep them guessing.
🌕 Bonus Tip: Time your parasite cleanse around the full moon—because parasites are literally lunatics. They get active, wild, and easier to kill when the moon is glowing. Creepy? Yes. Effective? Absolutely.
💩 How Do You Know It’s Working?
Oh, you'll know.
You will absolutely know.
💩 You start pooping like a regular human (or more often—congrats!)
👀 You might see stuff in your stool (don't panic, just flush and thank your body)
😴 You’re sleeping like a rock
✨ Skin gets clearer, energy starts returning
🌬 Brain fog lifts and you finally remember where you left your keys
⚠️ But Be Prepared for Die-Off (AKA: The Healing Hangover)
When parasites die, they release toxins. And guess who gets to clean up that party?
You.
Die-off symptoms = Herx reaction. It’s your body saying “Holy sh*t what just happened.”
You might feel:
Headaches
Skin rashes
Mood swings
Bloating
Fatigue
Sudden urge to curse at strangers
If you already feel like trash, it might not even faze you. But if you start to spiral—don’t stop the cleanse. Just support your body harder.
How to Not Totally Lose It:
Binders daily (non-negotiable)
Poop daily (fiber + magnesium if needed)
Castor oil + red light therapy like it's your part-time job
Hydrate like it’s your religion
REST. You're not lazy. You’re healing. Big difference.
So… Did It Work for Me?
Stay tuned. I’m documenting it all in real-time. If I end up passing a tapeworm the length of a CVS receipt—you’ll be the first to know. I’m not about that gatekeeping life.
If you’re ready to take your health into your own herbal-powered hands—join me. Shit’s about to get weird.
👉 follow along for my cleanse diary →
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