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Lately, my feed has been bombarded with posts, reels, and hot takes on this little mindset gem called the "Let Them" theory. People either swear by it or act like it’s the downfall of human connection. And naturally, I had to dig in because anything that sparks this much emotional chaos has to have some truth to it, right?
So here it is: The Let Them Theory in all its controversial, freeing glory.
Spoiler alert: I’m on Team Let Them. And here’s why—
Let’s just get this out of the way: we spend way too much energy trying to control things we have absolutely no business trying to control. Other people’s actions, thoughts, behaviors, choices, opinions... and for what? So we can feel a false sense of security? So we can manipulate a particular outcome?
Yeah. I said it. Manipulate.
Let’s be honest with ourselves here (sip your tea, babe). When you put massive effort into getting someone to act a certain way, respond a certain way, or stay in your life when they’re clearly inching toward the door... that’s not love. That’s not connection. That’s control—and sorry, not sorry, that’s low-key narcissistic.
Why would you want to force someone to stay, agree with you, or show up the way you want them to?
No seriously, let’s unpack this—because trying to strong-arm someone into meeting your expectations is like trying to staple Jell-O to a tree. Messy, frustrating, and ultimately a waste of your afternoon. If someone doesn’t want to be there, if they don’t want to love you, support you, choose you, or show up for you willingly, then what are you really holding onto? An illusion. A version of them that exists only in your head. (Which—hate to break it to you—isn’t a relationship, it’s a hostage situation. Emotionally speaking.)
You can twist yourself into a people-pleasing pretzel, you can shrink, edit, and dim your light all you want to fit into someone else's comfort zone—but guess what? If they don’t want to meet you where you are, they won’t. And begging for the bare minimum isn’t noble—it’s exhausting.
“I want you, to want to do the dishes!” – Jennifer Aniston in The Break-Up.
(And babe, if that’s not the quote of every person trying to force emotional labor, I don’t know what is.)
Manipulating someone—yes, even subtly, even with tears or guilt trips or ultimatums—might get you a reaction, but it’ll never get you an authentic connection. It’s like printing off a fake diploma and expecting to land your dream job. The paper might look official, but the substance just ain’t there.
And here’s where it gets real spicy: trying to force someone to stay in your life or “love you right” is actually self-abandonment in disguise. You’re so busy chasing their approval, you forget to ask yourself if you even like them... or if you’re just addicted to the idea of finally being enough for someone emotionally unavailable. Yikes.
Not to mention—if you do somehow convince them to stay or change, you’ll always wonder:
Do they really want to be here?
Are they doing this out of love, or out of obligation?
Are they saying what I want to hear just so I’ll shut up?
And honestly, who wants to be questioning that in a relationship? Whether it’s a spouse, a partner, or even a friendship—those questions will haunt you like a bad haircut in high school yearbook photos. Constant doubt isn’t love; it’s emotional roulette. And baby, your peace is too precious to gamble away on "maybe they mean it."
It’s giving: “You complete me.”
But real talk? Complete yourself, boo. You are the full pie—let others be the whipped cream and cherry on top, not the crust holding you together.
And this is something my husband actually admires in me. Just the other day, he told me that this part of my personality is good for him—because he’s a major people pleaser and struggles to say no, even when he really wants to. Me? If something doesn’t feel right, I have zero problem saying, “Thanks, but I’m out on this one.” I’ve always believed that honesty—even when it’s brutal—is better than being fake to keep the peace.
Because forcing, chasing, convincing—it’s not connection. It’s desperation in a trench coat trying to look like romance.
So don’t waste another second trying to puppeteer people into your version of who they should be. Let them show up however they want—and pay attention to how that feels. That’s the truth. That’s the clarity. And that’s the cue to either hold them close... or hold the door.
(Or as Ross from Friends would say... “We were on a break!” Which honestly might’ve been the healthiest thing that ever happened to him.)
What happens when you burn through all your energy trying to hold people in place like puppets? I’ll tell you what happens: you end up with nothing but resentment, anxiety, bitterness, and that creeping feeling that life is unfair and everyone sucks. (We’ve all been there, and no, it doesn’t feel empowering.)
But guess what? You have a choice.
Let them.
Let them walk away. Let them cancel plans. Let them talk trash. Let them choose someone else. Let them misunderstand you. Let them scroll right past your wins.
And then? Let yourself move onward.
But hold up—this doesn’t mean you just roll over and become a doormat. Absolutely not. This ain’t about letting people walk all over you like the welcome mat at Target. Boundaries? Still a must. Standards? Still high. Dignity? Very much intact. You don’t LET THEM disrespect you—you stand your ground, you say no when needed, you create strong boundaries.
But you also don’t beg. You don’t grovel for love, validation, attention, or basic decency. You move on and find people who give you that and so much more. People who make you feel like Beyoncé at the Grammys, not like Karen from accounting forgot your birthday.
Perfect example? Someone once came to me and said a so-called friend was gossiping negatively about me. My response? “Let them.” Those who truly know me will know the truth. Then, the next time I saw the gossiper, I looked them in the eye and said, “I know what you’ve been spreading. Our friendship is over.” I wished them well and told them to watch out for karma—because she’s a mighty force. And wouldn’t you know it? Karma did her thing, and I didn’t have to waste one ounce of energy. That’s the power of peace.
This theory isn’t about being cold. It’s not about giving up on people or relationships. It’s about preserving your energy and knowing your worth. It’s about recognizing that when someone shows you who they are, it’s not your job to rewrite the script. (As the wise Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”)
It's your job to decide how you're going to respond—without begging, fixing, or chasing.
And listen, I get it. For people who thrive off control (hi, recovering people-pleasers), the Let Them Theory can feel passive. Like you’re not doing enough. But here’s a revolutionary truth bomb:
You don’t have to do the most to be worthy.
You just have to be. You just have to love yourself enough to not spend your life chasing validation, performing for affection, or handing out your peace to anyone with a pulse.
People who are meant for you will choose you without coercion. Without confusion. Without all the emotional gymnastics. (As Queen Cher once said, "Mom, I am a rich man." Translation? You don't need saving—you are the whole damn package.)
So if you’ve been wasting your emotional bandwidth trying to get people to behave how you think they should—stop. Let them do whatever they’re going to do.
And then take that energy and redirect it into your own healing, your own growth, your own joy.
Because trying to manipulate outcomes only leads to emotional bankruptcy. And I don’t know about you, but I’m not about to go broke trying to prove my worth.
Let them. Let them. Let them.
And let yourself be free.
(Oh—and to quote Frozen, because why not?—"Let it goooooo, let it goooo...") 🎤
What are your thoughts on the 'Let Them' theory? Have you ever practiced it in your own life—and if so, how did it shift your energy or relationships?
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