Redeemed and Restored

From the Pit to His Presence

A Letter to My Former Self

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” — 2 Corinthians 5:17

I once thought redemption was for people holier than me — the ones who had their lives together, who didn’t stumble into the same pit over and over again. But God had a way of meeting me right in my brokenness. What I thought disqualified me became the very place He started His work.

Early Childhood Confusion

Sharing your dirt can help someone else. I am not ashamed of my past. I willingly share it because the gritty, messy parts make the good parts even brighter. From a young age, I was searching for love and acceptance. Not because I had bad parents — mine gave everything they could — but because I was looking for something deeper.

I went to a Catholic school and knew about God and Jesus. I had questions, and being young and hungry for knowledge, I asked them. Most were met with disdain, contempt, or dismissal. That only fueled my confusion as I grew into my teen years.

I kept hearing that Jesus forgives all of us, that He loves everyone — but how could that be true when the people claiming to follow Him were rude, judgmental, and exclusive? How could anyone claim to be a child of Christ and act anything but like Him?

This is where the first crack formed. I was not getting the guidance I craved, so I pulled away. I now know that true life in Christ is not about checking boxes — following rules and hoping salvation is earned. No. It’s about a relationship, a heart surrendered to Him. And I encourage you to find a church or community that embodies Christ’s teachings, not religion.

The “Bad Kid” Years

This pull away from religion led me straight into rebellion. I became one of those “bad kids” everyone warns about. I smoked, snuck out, defied my parents, had sex, and did every sinful thing I could possibly do. I thought I was free, but really, I was just lost — searching for love and acceptance in all the wrong places.

For the first time, I felt seen, understood, and part of something. It was thrilling, dangerous, and intoxicating. And I didn’t notice how out of control life was becoming — until it almost swallowed me whole.

My First Savior

Then came my first savior: my oldest daughter.

God placed her in my life to pull me back from the edge. Through her, I saw what real love and purpose meant. I opened my eyes to the abuse I was enduring — mental, physical, financial, and sexual — and realized I could no longer ignore it. I didn’t want to be a constant sinner, living a life of endless struggle from all the poor choices I’d made. I needed to change, for her and for myself.

I started to pull back, tried to connect again to God, but the church judged me — a single mom, a child out of wedlock, “dirty” in their eyes. But I refused to let their rejection keep me from my daughter’s baptism and the truth I knew in my heart. My grandmother guided me to a Christian church that truly reflected Christ’s teachings, not man’s rules.

The Half-Hearted Follower

During this time, I became a half-hearted follower. I leaned heavily on my grandmother, who was a guiding light, but the Church still didn’t feel like a fit. Looking back, that was mostly my own shame and fear whispering from the shadows, trying to keep me away.

I wanted connection, understanding, and truth, but I couldn’t fully surrender. I would take baby steps toward Christ, then retreat, pulled back by my own insecurities and the lingering influence of the enemy.

My Second Savior

Then came my second savior: my husband.

He was everything I was not — calm, steady, grounded, the mirror of what I lacked. I was fire; he was water. He balanced me. He helped me heal. He helped me see that partnership and love could reflect Christ’s patience and grace.

We quickly fell in love, moved in together, married, and had two more children. During those early years, I found a small community of Christ-followers who welcomed me with open arms, guided me in understanding God’s Word, and helped me begin to walk in His truth.

Darkness and the Enemy’s Lies

Motherhood brought chemical imbalances in my body that plunged me into a deep darkness. Depression, sorrow, anxiety — all twisted by the enemy to bring me to the brink of despair.

John 10:10 says the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And that’s exactly what happened.

He stole my peace, tried to kill my joy, and destroyed my confidence, replacing it with shame. I drank to numb the pain, quiet the noise, and escape the constant battle in my head. I isolated from family, friends, and even other Christ-followers — just as the enemy wants: alone, weak, and doubting, so his lies can take root.

He didn’t show up in flames or horns. He showed up in exhaustion, guilt, fear, and distorted truths — whispering that I was unworthy, unlovable, broken beyond repair.

Surrender and Sobriety

And then I surrendered. I quit drinking. I got sober.

This time, I wasn’t half-hearted. I was all in. I wanted to be so rooted in Christ that even my husband, who had been carrying his own burdens from my dark days, saw the drastic transformation and almost didn’t recognize me.

One late night, exhausted from fighting my own battles, I had a real, raw conversation with God. I told Him I was done trying to fix everything myself — that I wanted Him to take the wheel, guide me, carry me, and love me as I am. In that very moment, I felt embraced in a hug — the kind of hug you get from your squishy grandma that makes you feel safe, loved, and completely cozy all at once.

Right then and there, I verbally rebaptized myself in the name of Jesus Christ. Every ounce of shame, fear, guilt, and self-loathing that had haunted me for years melted away. I was free.

I dove deep into scripture, podcasts, prayer, and study. I submitted my heart entirely to Christ. And in that surrender, the transformation wasn’t just spiritual — it radiated into every part of my life: my relationships, my family, and my own soul.

Living Redeemed

Am I living a perfect life? Absolutely not. But we are connected again — as a family in Christ. Our relationships with extended family have improved. We pray together. We discuss God’s Word. We share His teachings.

Life isn’t perfect. But peace — the kind that surpasses understanding — is ours. And that peace doesn’t come from me trying to get it all right; it comes from surrendering and letting Him lead.

Religion told me to try harder. Christ told me to come closer.

Prayer of Gratitude

While I’m here, I will share my failures, wins, lessons, and the gifts God has placed in me. I was meant to be one with my husband, to guide our children as a godly mother, to pass down wisdom, gardening skills, and preservation knowledge — just as my grandmother passed down hers.

I thank our Lord and Savior for always having a hand on me, for knowing my purpose even when I did not. My family and I are learning, growing, and walking in His truth together. I pray our children and grandchildren will be guided by God’s light, standing firm in Christ.

I hope my story brings you closer to Him, gives you courage to surrender, and reminds you that redemption is real — for you, for me, for anyone willing to open their heart.

May God bless you.

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Let’s build a community where we lift each other up, share wisdom, and walk together in Christ’s light. Thank you for being part of this journey.