Tearing Down My Emotional Fortress
A (Sometimes Messy) Journey to Healing and Connection
Breaking Down Walls: Healing After a Toxic Relationship
Being in a toxic relationship almost ruined my future. It’s hard to even think about now, but it’s part of my story and why I’m here today. It took me 10 years to truly let my husband in, and that journey was anything but easy.
Honestly, the first ten years with him were easier than the last ten. Why? Because I had walls up. I wasn’t my true self. I was guarded, distant, and trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. Spoiler alert: that’s not exactly a winning recipe for marital bliss. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I wasn’t just keeping my husband at arm’s length—I was also distancing myself from my kids. After having them, I struggled with postpartum depression and a constant, crippling fear of losing them. (Seriously, I could write the screenplay for a Lifetime drama about the paranoid scenarios I imagined.)
The Struggle to Communicate
I didn’t know how to communicate. I either overshared like a contestant on a reality TV confession cam or clammed up tighter than a vault. I felt lost, isolated, and like an outcast. On top of that, I was defensive all the time. Looking back, I realize now that these were trauma responses—ways I had learned to survive an abusive relationship. But those same coping mechanisms were holding me back from meaningful connections with others, including my husband.
The scars from my past made it difficult for me to connect with people who hadn’t been through the same experiences. I pushed away those who wanted to help because it felt… wrong. Gross, even. Letting people in felt like opening myself up to being hurt all over again. So, I stayed locked up, emotionally unavailable, and completely overwhelmed. And let’s be honest, being emotionally unavailable doesn’t exactly scream “best friend material.”
Finding Help and Healing
It wasn’t until I started working with a therapist that I understood what was happening. Therapy helped me see the patterns I had created to protect myself but were now keeping me stuck. Slowly, I began to heal. I worked on letting down my guard and started to truly invest in my relationship with my husband. (Poor guy—he probably deserves an award for patience and persistence at this point.)
We even did couples therapy, which was life-changing. It allowed us to address my past together and build a stronger, more connected relationship. For so long, I had feared vulnerability—but now I see how necessary it is for genuine love and connection.
The Role of Emotions (and Tears!)
I’d love to say that I embraced this work with open arms, but the truth is… I didn’t. Feelings were something I avoided at all costs. For years, I tried to numb them with alcohol. You can read more about my journey to sobriety here, but let’s just say it took me a long time to confront what was really going on. (Pro tip: pretending everything’s fine while clutching a wine glass like it’s a life preserver doesn’t exactly lead to long-term happiness.)
Eventually, I learned how to sit with my feelings and let them out in a healthy way. Did you know tears are the only physical way your body releases cortisol, the stress hormone? Wild, right? I cry so much more now, and I’m proud of it. It’s helped me let go of so much tension and fear—and it’s also modeled something important for my kids. They now see that being vulnerable and expressing emotions is healthy.
Instead of bottling up my emotions until I exploded or turned to alcohol to cope, I’ve learned to process my feelings in real time. Is it uncomfortable? Absolutely. Sometimes it feels like sitting through a bad stand-up routine, cringing with every word. But it’s worth it.
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If any of this resonates, here are a few common trauma responses that might feel familiar:
Emotional numbness or detachment
Over-apologizing for everything (even when it’s not your fault)
Constantly being on edge or expecting the worst
Difficulty trusting others, even those who’ve earned it
Avoiding conflict like it’s the plague
People-pleasing to an unhealthy degree
Struggling to identify or express your own emotions
Things to Try as You Work Through Them
Dealing with trauma responses takes time, but these strategies helped me:
Therapy: Find a therapist you trust—it’s a game-changer.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts can help you process emotions and uncover patterns.
Mindfulness: Meditation, deep breathing, or just pausing to check in with yourself can make a big difference.
Boundaries: Learn to say no and set limits with others.
Exercise: Movement is powerful for releasing pent-up stress.
Practice Vulnerability: Start small, but open up to someone safe.
Crying: Let it out! Those stress hormones aren’t going to release themselves.
Community: Find groups or friends who can relate to your experiences.
Moving Forward
Healing from a toxic relationship and the trauma it caused hasn’t been easy. It took a lot of therapy, hard conversations, and even harder self-reflection. But I’m finally at a place where I can have a truly loving and caring relationship with my husband and be fully present with my children.
The walls I built to protect myself are coming down, one brick at a time. (It’s a slow process—kind of like watching paint dry—but progress is progress.) I’ve learned how to embrace feelings, cry when I need to, and let people in—even when it feels scary. If you’ve been through something similar, know that healing is possible. It might take time and a lot of hard work, but it’s worth it to live a life that’s open, full, and authentic.
A Final Note
This isn’t medical advice. If you’re reading this and feel like any of it hits a little too close to home, I strongly encourage you to work with a professional to deal with your stuff in a healthy way. Seriously, you deserve it—and you’re worth the effort.
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